Heavier Than A Pound Of Babies

1) Here are five highlights of Thanksgiving with my family in Vancouver. The morning started with my sister Jessica picking me up at Dad's to go shopping for last minute things. Everyone else decided to sleep at the hotel, but in order to spend more time with Dad, I chose to sleep on his 64 yr old, dust mite infested couch. I did have a hotel pillow that I had snagged, so that made it a lot better and I slept surprisingly well at the Spider Hotel. (love you dad)

2) We arrived at Winco and I did my usual freak out routine about all of the low prices. It's always the same song and dance. Jodi says that everytime I yell, "Oh my gosh the prices are so low!! I pay fifty bucks for a pound of butter in Lynden because of those Canadians!!!!!"

And yes, I did it today. Only worse. We rushed through the store throwing last minute things in the cart with me hollering about each price tag. We stood there forever deciding which kind of rolls to choose, knowing Jodi would turn up her nose in disdain at anything not made by scratch. We settled on potato rolls and raced to the checkout. Brian the checker was very nice. I told him I could NOT believe these prices and told him about the Canadians. When the final total came to $28.00 I screamed. I told him that would be at least $70.00 back home and then I took a picture of the screen. I asked him if I could take his picture.

"I'd rather you didn't" he said weakly.

"Ok! then can I take a picure of your nametag? It's for my blog," I said. I looked at his shirt and his nametag was gone.

"Hey where is your nametag?" I asked.

He said, "I don't have one"

"Then how do I know your name is Brian?" I asked.

I saw he had tucked it inside his shirt. Jessica was dying laughing by now and laughed even harder when I took a flyer and wrote my blog address down for him. I told him to become a follower because I really wanted 20 of them by Christmas. I also told him he would star in it today. I thrust the paper in his hand and left. I whispered in Jessica's ear, "He is SO going to throw that thing away".

3) We spent the rest of the day getting things ready, just like you all did. The guys were lined up in the living room like sloths watching football while we broke our backs in the kitchen. I walked out there at one point and said, "It must be nice to be a guy on Thanksgiving." Jodi's brother-in-law didn't miss a beat and said, "EVERY day is a nice day to be a guy." I decided I would be the one to dish up HIS plate.

4) Dinner was underway and Gordy (the mouthy one) was inhaling rolls because he had just had his wisdom teeth removed and could barely chew. (Waaa) He was trying to eat the deviled eggs with very little success. I saw a line of drool stream down onto the platter. No more eggs for me tonight, I thought. My sister pulled me over to the stove and put a roll under my eyes. "Look at this!" she hissed."What?" I asked, it was too close to see anything. I pulled it away and saw a thin layer of mold across the top. "Oooooohhhh, yuck" I said. I was so glad I hadn't eaten one. We were huddled together inspecting the roll as one by one each voice stopped. You know what happens when two people in a crowded room start to whisper. EVERYONE SHUTS UP. I looked over and the two brother-in-laws were sitting there with their mouths open and I heard one of them say. "MOLD?" Everyone started talking loudly and these are the things I heard flying around the room.....

GROSS! I ATE FIVE OF THOSE!

IT WON'T HURT YOU....

MOLD IS LIKE PENICILLIN

BUT GORDY IS ALLERGIC TO PENECILLIN!!

PENICILLIN WONT KILL YOU...

IT WILL IF YOU ARE BACTERIA!

....................I sorta hoped Gordy would get a reaction.

5) I can barely type this last highlight. But it's too shocking not to share. I hope you don't mind. My sister, her Mother-In-Law and I were in the kitchen after dinner. Nana was telling us she had recently lost 40 lbs in two months. She said she went from 190 to 157. That is always exciting. The thing is Rob, her son wasn't going for it. I tried to help out by saying everyone carries weight differently. She wasn't budging. She said she has more "Inner weight" than "Outer Weight". I don't even know what that means, but remember that. It comes in later in the story. Rob walked up to her and said, "Mom, I am not buying it. There is NO WAY you way 157." He then began pointing to all of the other people in the room and rattling off their weights. CLEARLY she should see that it is obvious she does not look like them. She argued with him and insisted on the matter. Rob said he was going to have to weigh her. That was that. The only thing is they didn't have a scale. Rob was going to buy a scale but everything was closed. SO he sent my sister to the neighbors to get one.

These neighbors deserve their own description. They spend all of their time in their garage smoking and drinking. It is NOT a finished garage. They have an 80's coke dealer couch complete with blue lights underneath, lamps, a TV, end tables, a minifridge, blankets & pillows. They keep the garage door OPEN so the whole world can see them and there is a NET that goes across the garage to keep in their little dogs and Grandson that their transvestite son/daughter named Daisy Daffodill left for them to raise. You can hear them singing Kareoke at all hours of the night.

Ok....back to the scale. Jodi goes up to the house and can hear them singing. She knocks and hears someone sing...."Coooooommmme ooooooonnn iiiiiiinnnnnnnn" I'm sure they had a scale in the garage. Jodi had it in hand and was walking up the driveway just as Nana came out. Rob put the scale down and said, "Get on". Nana gets on...... and the number pops right up to 190. We had just finished Thanksgiving, but I don't think she ate 40 lbs of food. Poor Nana! She said the scale must be off. Who would actully step on that scale?!!

Later that night Jodi and I were sitting down laughing about it and I asked her, "So, what's with the whole Inner Weight and Outer weight that Nana was talking about? I mean, doesn't a pound of feathers weigh just as much a a pound of........."

Jodi looks at me. "Yes?" she askes, smiling.
"Ummmmmm," I say, "I can't think of anything heavy except bricks, but you can't have a pound of bricks can you? Because isn't one brick more than a pound anyway?" We crack up laughing and ask Rob. He looks at us like we are crazy. Jodi says, "Yah, that's like saying, It was heavier than a pound of babies."

I. laughed. so. hard.

I could not stop.

My mouth began to hurt and I was doubled over.

She was cackling and gasping for air.

I knew we had just coined a new phrase.

"Heavier than a pound of babies"

I am going to say it forever.

So, in true "King" form, we laughed our way through the day. We had a point today when Mom's absence was all too obvious. We didn't know how to deal with it, so we laughed. That's what she would want. That's what Kings do, and I am sure Mom was shaking her head at us and saying, "Those idiots."

:)