Getting To Know You....

I love this girl. I felt like she was mine the moment I first held her, but this past week she has been sick, and she also had that scary episode, so I have felt very protective of her. When she passed out, my world closed in on me so quickly and I felt like we were the only two people on the planet. I held her tight, not believing what was happening. It was very surreal.  I have loved her from the start, but I now feel like Mommy.

There is something that happens when she gets tired that amazes me. She gets really silly when she is sleepy. Downright goofy. But when I sit down to rock her, or lay her next to me in bed, she opens up to me.  She babbles and coos and uses her hands to tell me things about herself.

 It's as if she is letting me see Song Zihan.

Today I was in the shower right at her nap time. Autumn came  in to ask me something, baby on her hip. Havensong loves the water and was hanging onto the bathroom door because she didn't want to leave. I decided to let her shower with me. She had baby food crusted in her hair and a runny nose that had dried on her cheeks, giving them that nice sheen. She needed a scrubbing down.

 I held her back against the water and her eyes started to close.Sooooo cozy.  She put her head on my shoulder (rare) and started to talk. She kept saying "Mama" and nodding her head. Then she fell asleep. It was just the two of us, she didn't want down, and nobody was going to ask to hold her. I never had those quiet moments with her as a newborn, so I cherish them now. I stood there, tears mixing with the water on my face, so thankful that this little girl came all the way across the world to be my girl.  Of course I was also sort of stuck there and couldn't reach our towels while holding her, so Autumn had to come to the rescue-again. :)

The name Havensong fits her so well. But there have been moments, when I know she is showing me a glimpse of where she came from, and who she was...and I love that. I often wonder if she misses the language she heard in the womb and all her first year of life. I feel sad it will be a fleeting memory. I wish I could hang onto it for her, but I cannot. What I can do, is give her a new language, full of words like, "My Girl", "Fuffy", "I love you", "Good Morning", "Sweet Baby", and "No, don't touch Mommy's glasses" :)

Mama's Girl.....

Tense Moments....

I haven't been blogging much. I envisioned myself writing each day, but to be honest, I have had a hard time finding my groove since Havensong arrived. Every time I would sit down to write, I would instead change a diaper, make a bottle, give a bath, wipe a nose, read a book, kiss, hold, or play with her. I don't mind in the least though, and I have cherished these moments. (I have been up three times during this post to do three of the above mentioned tasks.)

 Things have been going really well. She didn't miss a beat, but just took her little place in the line of kids. We all adore her and are so thankful she is here. She didn't cuddle much to start with, but isn't "stiff arming" us so much now. She has a smile that melts any one's heart and a laugh that sounds like music. She loves Autumn above all, mostly because she is who spends the most time with her. She is as busy as a bee all day, but sleeps like a rock all night. She wouldn't eat food when she first arrived and would clamp her mouth shut, but now she happily eats whatever we feed her. She is even starting to feed herself which is huge progress for her.

We did have a scare last night though.I am still feeling edgy over it. The kids and I were all piled on my bed, getting ready to watch a movie. Autumn decided to take her coat off and put it away first. She had Havensong in her arms so she set her on the bed with us and walked out of the room Havensong started to cry. Chase picked her up but she didn't take a breath. Tayler picked her up and still no sound was coming out. I yelled, "I think she has lost her wind!" I took her into my arms and she went limp. She was unresponsive and turning blue. I would like to say I was level headed and calm, but I freaked. I blew in her face and patted her back, but she was totally limp. It was the scariest feeling ever. The next few minutes were a blur, but I think I handed her to Tayler and ran to get Bamma and told someone to call 911, which both Beau and Tayler did. Tayler patted her back and tried to get her to come to. Tayler said she thought she was dying, and I must say, I was afraid of the same thing. We have no real medical history for her and the most horrible things were going through my mind. I was terrified I was losing my baby. There was a fair amount of frantic yelling, and it felt like a bad dream.

 Scott's Mom and Dad came inside the house and I handed Havensong over so I could talk to the operator. Bamma patted her back and and then turned her over to start CPR. Her little eyes started to flutter and she took a tiny breath and started to whimper. The ambulance arrived within minutes. They advised bringing her in to be checked over in case it was a seizure. She wouldn't let go of Autumn so they both got put into the ambulance together. They treated them as one person.

We arrived at the hospital and they rolled both girls into the room. They lifted them together onto the new bed and started tests on Havensong, who promptly fell asleep. We waited for a while, and each person who walked by the room smiled at the sight of them. One nurse popped his head in and said,
 "Wow, that's a young mother."

The doctor came in and asked about her history. We gave him the little we knew. When I said she was found at one day old at 4 lbs, on the side of the road, he took her little hand and his eyes softened, which I found very touching. He said there is no way to know for sure if  it was a seizure, other then it will happen again if it was.

We came home and I brought her into my bed with me. She started to fuss for Autumn. Autumn broke down and cried. She told me how much it scared her. She then said,
"I don't want her to love me that much! It's scary!"
I told her it was going to be fine and hugged her. I then sent her to her own bed and told her I could handle Havensong for the night. I have to admit, I was afraid to go to sleep and tossed and turned all night. I am so thankful she is fine.

I have spent all day hugging her and telling her just that.

Wordless Wednesday