Birthday Girl

    
  Today is our baby's birthday. I was so busy getting ready for her party today that I felt sad I wasn't spending enough time just cuddling her. But each time she walked by me I tried to take an extra second and really look at her. Or kiss her. She is turning into a little girl before my very eyes. When my children have a birthday, I always go over their birth story in my mind. I replay it and remember it fondly and teary-eyed. For the first time, I couldn't do that. I was a bit surprised when nothing came to mind when I tried to think back to Havensong's birth. And that is only because my body doesn't really know that she didn't come from me, so it shocks me that I can't remember. I wanted to know her beginning so badly today...but trying to recall her story was like trying to describe a color I had never seen before, or like trying to find a place I had only visited in my dreams. So close, yet a million miles away.

           The party was starting soon but I wanted a moment to myself. I closed my eyes and tried to force her little history to my mind. I couldn't do it. It almost hurts. I don't want to make some story up in my mind that isn't true, but I need to picture something. Having nothing to go on is harder than I ever knew it would be. It's just that there are so many possibilities... so many questions....the only thing I did know, is that baby who was wrapped in a blanket and placed under that street light was now running through our home, carrying the kitten upside down, sippy cup in hand, piggy tails in place, and turning two. And her guests would be arriving soon and celebrating her day.

I decided to focus on what I did know.... I knew she was our daughter. I knew she had a family who adored her every move. I knew her siblings thought she hung the moon. I knew her dad was wrapped around her little finger. I knew I loved her more than I could ever express.

So, I tucked her birth mother back in my heart and went on with my day. I didn't know if she was thinking of our daughter. I hoped she was....and I hoped she wasn't....the thought of her hurting was hard on me. When I went upstairs and picked up that sweet girl I gave her a very soft kiss on each cheek from two people on the other side of the world. And one on her perfect little mouth from me. Okay more than one.

 And I know one more thing...she loves shoes. I can't believe how well she manages those heels all the while feeding her baby a bottle. That's pure talent right there....

                                           Happy Birthday Havensong...we love you.