Just Call Me Mommy

       I know it is recommended that parents who adopt should read about attachment. I have to say, I read very little about it. I bonded with my daughter the second I saw her, and I knew eventually she would bond with me too. It took a while. At first, she strong armed me. She tolerated my kisses. She held my hand, but would not cuddle much. The first day I got her I put my face right in front of hers and blinked my eyes at her. She blinked back. Then I blinked one eye at her and she copied me. It was our tiny way of communicating. She was responding to me, and it was beautiful. We kept doing that. I will blink at her across the room and she always blinks back.

      I will never forget that first night we had together. She woke up in the middle of the night, crying so hard. I went into her room, gathered her up into my arms and took her to our bed. She hated it. She pushed at me and turned her face away, wailing over things I had no privy to. Things she knew, things she had lived and could not tell me. I wanted to comfort her, but she wouldn't have it. I took her back to her room. I rocked her in the dark. She whimpered and perched herself on the edge of my lap. I had to wait. I had to be patient, knowing one day she would accept my love.

     Over the next year I poured affection onto her in heaps. Rarely did I pass by her without wrapping my arms around her and kissing her face. She called me "Mommy" but I still didn't know if she knew that a Mommy was different from an Autumn or a Beau. It was just my name. She let me hold her closer, but there was still a slight stiffness in her. She never put her head on my shoulder. (Unless she was already asleep and I tricked her.) That is the universal Mommy-Baby stance. I so wanted her to cuddle like that, but she refused.

       She started to come into our bed with us in the mornings and cuddle. Yes, I often had to bribe her with my iphone but she started getting more cozy. She would hold my hand and get upset if I had to let go. I was seeing little glimmers of attachment. If she happened to fall asleep then I could cuddle her. But she usually squirmed away even then.

     She then went through a total Daddy phase. He was the only one she wanted. She would cry for him and beg me to let her go so she could run after him. I was, of course thrilled, but also a little but sad. I was used to being MOMMY to my kids, and that had always meant I was the main attraction! To Havensong, Scott was in the spotlight. She adored him. Still, I waited. I knew one day that little girl would look at me and see me for who I was. The woman who loved her most on this planet. I know I didn't give her life, but I gave her ongoing love. I fought for her. I waited five years to hold her. I held her in my heart before she took her first breath. I still look at her and think to myself,

"How on earth did we manage to get you? How did we pull this off? What miracle is this? You, who came from a far far away land to become my daughter."

     Last month was a very emotional month for me for many different reasons. I found myself tripping over my tears at every turn. I was pretty much a mess. I didn't know what to do with myself. My family was patient with me, but I was in need of serious comfort. I was feeling angry at myself and had a very overwhelming sense of defeat. I needed God to stretch out his Arm and comfort me. The Arm I read so much about in the bible. It seems when people were really freaking out; God always outstretched his Arm.  Psalm 136:12 says;

With a strong hand and an outstretched arm, for his steadfast love endures forever;

     I needed His strong arm. I got it, in a much smaller package. Two arms, actually. They were very tiny and belonged to my baby girl. One night I decided to put her in my bed to sleep. I thought she would do her normal fussing over me being too close to her. Instead she scooted over and patted a spot next to her and said, "Peez sit." So I did. We scrunched down into the covers and she smiled happily. And she let me snuggle her all night. I needed a little teddy bear and she happily obliged. For five nights straight she was next to me. Not fighting against it or pushing me away and saying, "Move."

     She finally let me close. It is as if in the darkness, when nobody could see, she let me become her mama. 

      Her guard was down. She wanted me all day. She cried when I left her side. She napped with me, ran all errands with me, and became my sweet little shadow. It was perfect timing. I needed her as much as she needed me. We were quite a little team. I felt so grateful, there was not a lot of room in heart for regret or pain. How could there be? 

What a blessing her little arms were to me. 

And I am happy to tell you, I finally feel she knows what a Mommy is. And she knows it's me.