Friday, December 31, 2010

She Is Amazing, And We Are Lucky...

I have wanted to write this post for a long time. For months, actually. You see, I am torn, because there is so much I don't know or understand. So bear with me, I am going to do my best. Do you see that picture above my writing? Havensong was abandoned in this very spot. It has come to my mind all week. I will be going about my day, and all of a sudden I will think of this tiny place in the world, and I will have to stop what I am doing and catch my breath. To the millions of people who live there, it must seem a very insignifigant spot. People rush past it nonstop and have no idea how much it means to me.

But there is another person who thinks of this spot quite often. The person who chose this very place to leave a one day old baby girl..

 I wonder, did they look for days, trying to find the best place so she would be safe? I know there are different ideas about what the parents feel after they abandon their child. I choose to believe it hurt them to leave her. I choose to believe they did it for her own good. I choose to believe there is, in fact a mother mourning for her child and hoping she is loved and happy.

 I imagine she was left under the cover of darkness. The street light above competing with the moon to illuminate her. The chilly air forcing it's way around her. The nightime sounds fading away as morning made it's appearance.  A sweet baby wrapped in a blanket, abandoned because she was a girl, and waiting for someone to find her and take her to a safe place. Maybe it was her Father who set her there, tucking the blanket around her little face to keep her as warm as possible before he turned away.  I can picture him crouching in a not so far away spot, watching to make sure she is found, and whisked, but very much alone in this big world.

 He had no idea he just had given me a dream come wasn't a thought in his mind as he walked away from that spot. She wasn't unwanted, she was chosen to be Havensong and just had to wait a little bit for all of us to figure that out. I am nobody to her birth father. I am nobody to her birth mother.

But I am somebody to her.

I will be her Mommy. I will kiss her scraped knees, sing her songs and read her books. I will cuddle her to sleep and watch her dream. I will teach her bible stories and her ABC's. I will fix her hair, and tie her shoes. I will brush away her tears, and tell her to not be afraid. I will dress her baby dolls and fix Barbie's hair. I will laugh at her when she's funny, and hold her when she's sad. I will brag that she's the cutest, brightest most endearing child walking the earth. I will protect her and pray for her at night. I will look into her eyes and tell her how thankful I am to God for bringing her to me. I will kiss her perfect nose, and all her toes. I will try to discipline her. ( I really will) And I will cheer her on in life as she grows into the woman God created her to be....

I keep hearing how lucky she is and how amazing we are. But I think it's the other way around. We are the lucky ones and she is truly amazing.

I will never be able to thank her birth parents for this incredible gift. Somehow, I hope they feel peace in their hearts, knowing she is just fine. Can they somehow know that I will love her with everything in me and try my best to be the Mommy she needs and deserves?

 I am so excited to see her face...My eyes are already red and swollen. I can't stop the tears and I am not even trying. I am just allowing myself to feel has been a very long road, and if I cry for the next 24 hours, then so be it. This is no small thing...

This is my child who has grown not in my belly, but in my heart, and I am anticipating her arrival just as much as the first four. The beautiful thing, is it seems she is eagerly awaited by all of you too....thank you so much for caring  about her the way you do. It has touched me more than you will ever know....

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

So Thankful She Is Safe...

From the title of my post you might think I am talking about Havensong. I am actually referring to Tayler. She is 17 years old, but no less my baby. I have tried very hard to let her go bit by bit. I have been keenly aware that I can't keep her next to me forever. I didn't know how I was ever going to be okay with her leaving my side and just roaming around in this big world.  The thought of her growing up and away from me for any length of time worried me to no end. I think I have done pretty well...until tonight. I might be back at square one now for a while...

My friend, Brandy and I had just returned from Bellingham earlier this evening.We were home no more than fifteen minutes when we decided to go BACK into town. We thought we would go browse through the stores for baby bedding without any kids. Also, I needed detergent so I could scale Mt. Laundry tomorrow. As we were driving, I got that kind of call that every parent hates. It was Tayler and she sounded terrified. She asked me if I was anywhere near Walmart. She was quiet. Really quiet.

"DID YOU GET IN A WRECK?!!" I yelled.

Thoughts of her recent wreck came into my mind. Her climbing out of her smashed car and stepping over live wires that had fallen down around her after she hit a telephone pole. I felt total panic. But she was on the other end talking, so that meant she was alive. I heard her whimper and then she just full on started to cry.

"WHAT???" I wailed.

"A man tried grab me in the parking lot." she said, sobbing and taking deep breaths. It took a minute to sink in. I told Brandy to hurry. I just kept pointing in the direction of Wal-Mart. Tayler said she was inside, by  the make up aisle because that was the only place she had reception. Brandi parked out front and I ran inside. I called her name and saw her come around the corner. She didn't look like my independent, self assured, almost grown daughter. She looked like my baby girl. The one who needed me to sleep with her when she was afraid at night. I hugged her and closed my eyes, so thankful she was safe. And then I felt mad. I wanted to get a hold of that man who tried to harm my daughter, take him down, and yank his eyeballs right out of his head, and then rip him to shreds. I am sorry for the strong language...but that is exactly how I felt. I'm just stating the facts here.

It was a blur to her, but she somehow got away after he went for her and ran back inside the store. She said the man had earlier followed her for forty minutes while she shopped. She kept trying to lose him, but she couldn't shake him. He was peeking around corners at her and he waited while she paid. He purchased nothing. She was afraid to go outside so she tried to look for her friend's Mom who she had just seen. Not finding her, she decided to go out to her car which was only parked four spaces back. As she got to her car he tried to grab her. She remembers very little at this point. Hopefully the footage will show what happened.


 Later an employee told me he had noticed Tayler leaving, and the man was right behind her. Tayler said she knew he had followed her out, and she was so afraid. She couldn't even scream. But she ran. And that saved her.

 We called the police and they were there in minutes. They took the description of him from Tayler. She said he was Eastern Indian, medium build, short black hair, with a large nose. She didn't remember any color of clothing. They said that Wal-Mart has the very best video surveillance and they would check it and have her come in and identify him tomorrow.

I decided to write this post as a little reminder to women out there. If you feel unsafe, do not disregard that feeling. Ask someone to walk you out to your car even if you are parked closely to the store.
Talk to your children and tell them to be SO CAREFUL.
Especially your girls!

I would like to say again how thankful I am that she is safe. Oh, I am so thankful. I am going to be smothering her a little lot more in the near future. But I think this scary experience will cause her to be more aware of her surroundings.

Did I mention I am thankful?
My girl is safely tucked into bed...
Thank You Lord...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Havensong Eleanor Joy

I thought I would write a little about her name. For about 12 years I have loved the name Haven. In fact, I even tried to name Autumn that, but it just didn't fit and we changed it after her birth. (Sorry if you didn't know that, Autumn)

I felt the name was meant for the little girl I wanted to one day adopt. So I held onto it. She has had poems and songs written for her, all using the name, Haven. When I talk to Chinese people they tell me that the meaning of the name goes something like this;

"One who has flown across the sea to find paradise and live in perfect happiness."

I am guessing Haven is akin to Heaven and that is what they are referring to. I think it sums it up nicely. Throughout the years I have daydreamed that when I one day received her file, I would open it and her name would be Song and we would use it for her middle name. Autumn and I have a favorite book that we read, and the little girl's name is Song, and we would talk about how much we loved that name.
The day before we got the call, I wrote one sentence down in my journal. It said;

"God, give me a new song in my heart".

And my FB post that week said:

"Come dance with me to the Song of all Songs."

 So while on the phone with a representative from our agency I joked and said, "If I open this up, and her name is Song, I will know she is the one. I saw the name Song Zihan in the subject line and got the chills. Song is her surname, but was too much. I laughed all day. It was so obvious this was going to happen. On top of all that, do you remember me talking about the little girl I fell in love with when I was 15? The one who was adopted from Korea? Her mom recently told me that the name they gave her when she came home to them means......A Song.

So I thought about calling her just Song, but I loved Haven so much too. They were equal on the scale. I couldn't choose one over the other. I didn't want Song to get lost in her middle name, I didn't want to let go of Haven. So we put them together into one name.

As for her middle names, Eleanor and Joy are her two Great Grandmothers. Eleanor is her only living Great Grandparent, and we are excited to honor her this way. My Grandmother was abducted at three years old by her nanny. Her name was changed  by her "adoptive" mother from Joy to Josephine. I always felt sad that she lost the name her Mommy gave her. I feel this is a beautiful way to bring it all full circle.

Monday, December 20, 2010

New Pictures Of Havensong

The photo of her and the bunny blanket made me cry. I bought this for her years ago. I have looked at it folded in the drawer countless times and have wondered if she would ever really use it. And she looks quite cozy......and happy.....and content. I am glad this happens to be her first blankie.....

Sunday, December 19, 2010


 It's overwhelming and wonderful to finally see a dream I have carried in my heart for so many years finally coming true. So many of our dreams stay just that....dreams. They never make an appearance. They stay just our of grasp, forcing us to wonder if the end result we hope for will ever take place.

Proverbs 13:12 says; Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

It can be so hard longing for something you want so much.  We have been in this adoption process for over five years, and I had it in my heart long before that. We were matched with a little girl in July.

Song Zihan, born November 20th, 2009 was available for adoption. She was on the special needs list because she was in the less than 2% for height and weight. (In fact, I hear the nannies call her "Thumb" because she is so small. I prefer Thumbelina...more girlie...) she was...

We made the decision a long while back that I would stay here with the other kids and Scott and Beau would go. I could go into all of the reasons and dynamics that caused me to make that hard choice, but I don't have the energy. It was well thought out, and not easily made, with only Havensong in mind. It was not a slip on my part that I didn't go, as if it just didn't cross my mind. It was a decision I thought about nonstop. The night before they left, it was very difficult for me. I felt frantic that I had, in fact, made the wrong choice. It suddenly crushed me that I wasn't going. I would rather not even be typing this now, except for the fact that I have received so many comments, messages, emails and posts from people either questioning me, or telling me of my certain future regrets, that I felt it would be best to share my thoughts all at once.  I just needed some time alone while I processed these unexpected feelings. So...I crawled into my bed and I cried for two days. I  wasn't being dramatic, or wanting sympathy, I just needed to grieve what I knew I was missing, and fight the feelings of guilt for not being there for her right away. Also, there was a deep longing inside of me to see her homeland. To write it all down so I could share it with her.

I was just plain old sad and was being a cry baby... but as C.S. Lewis said;

"Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do."

I decided to stop crying, and get ready for my daughter to come home. And besides, China isn't going anywhere. On top of that, I am not a selfish mother, because I handed an amazing journey over to my son, and I hope he never forgets it. Autumn looked at me last night and said,

"Mom, you know how you are so sad and don't want to get out of bed because you want to be in China?"

I nodded. She said,

"Well that's how I would be feeling if you were that far away from me."

That did wonders for me to see her little face and hear her say that. I got up, washed my tears away and took her to the mall.

Havensong just spent her last night in the orphanage. I am sure as I type this they are gathering her things together, and getting her ready to go the the Civil Affairs office. I am praying for two things right now.

1) That she doesn't feel afraid. She has suffered such loss already...the loss of her birth parents, the loss of her nannies, and the loss of her homeland. I'm not being negative, I just refuse minimize what she's had taken from her in her short one year of life.

2) I pray Beau doesn't forget to hit "record" on the camera.

So while I'm not there buying her squeaky shoes, pearls and Jade, nor am I seeing China with her in a little front pack, I am here getting ready for her here, with her siblings.

I will be seeing her face via Skype in four hours. I can't quite believe it. I am crawling out of my skin due to the anticipation. And on January 1st, she will land in Bellingham, and I will go get her and be her Mommy for always.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you all for your shared excitement and prayers and support. It means so much..

Friday, December 10, 2010

Christmas Open House

I haven't had much time to blog. I miss it! The thing is, I decided to have a little craft show with my friend,Wendy. So I have been spending  my time hunting in thrift shops, craft stores, and elbow deep in paint. Cream and black paint, to be exact. It all started when Wendy and I were at a craft fair a while back. We walked into one of the booths filled with amazing and pretty things. On one of the shelves there was a tiny little sign that read,

Yes, you CAN make it, but WILL YOU?

Well that just made us mad. Wendy called me a few nights ago and said,

"So I did make those things! Come over and SEE!" 

She was right, and her things were even better than theirs. Since we didn't sign up for any craft shows, we decided to make our own. That's how we work....Let's just do our own show! In a week! I mostly talk big.  I have spent most of it worrying....and whining...and being drug off the couch by Wendy. I would open my eyes and she would by pointing at me with her glue gun.

 We have gone to bed around 2 AM most mornings. And have made more than a few late runs through McDonald's for Coke. We have spent hours in Michael's. The last time we were there I was tired and grouchy. As I was paying, I told the checker and all of the people behind me, that this was my final purchase at a craft store. That I was tired of making things and I would never show my face in one of these places again. Wendy just shook her head and laughed at me. But I was serious.

"I hate crafting. I am sick of it!" I told the lady directly behind me.

 I then handed her a flyer and told her she should TOTALLY come to our show because it would be amazing. I told her about all of the fun things we made and that there would even be a bagpiper there. She and her Mother said they would love to come. I said goodbye and went out to the van. As we were getting in those two ladies came running outside yelling for us.
"You forgot your bag!" they yelled.
They were laughing as they handed me my supplies. They said they wouldn't miss our show and would tell their friends. When they said "show" I don't think they meant our crafts.

What started as "nothing" has now turned into something quite nice. My living room rivals any boutique in Whatcom County. I wish we would have filmed ourselves these past few days. We would make a great reality show. I commend Wendy for keeping the vision alive. I loved the thrill of finding a diamond in the rough at the thrift stores, but it's Wendy with the real talent here. She has a gift for making something beautiful out of nothing. We invited my friend Erin, and my Mom to join us. Erin makes jewelry and vintage items. She has a flair for all things whimsical with an artistic twist. My Mom paints on wild turkey feathers and frames them. She is so talented. I am always amazed at those tiny little scenes she creates.

 I am just here to help them show off. I may have come along for the ride with a pout on my face and a paintbrush in my hand, but I am now thrilled for you to see the end result. We spent an entire afternoon trying to come up with a name for ourselves. That in itself was so entertaining. We decided on

Vintage Ever After
Because we just might do this again. We will see how tomorrow goes. I will let you know for sure.

See you tomorrow at 8075 Rodeo Drive, Lynden
. Starbucks Coffee, treats, crafts, and live music. And like I said before....LOTS of glitter. :)