Havensong...

 It's overwhelming and wonderful to finally see a dream I have carried in my heart for so many years finally coming true. So many of our dreams stay just that....dreams. They never make an appearance. They stay just our of grasp, forcing us to wonder if the end result we hope for will ever take place.

Proverbs 13:12 says; Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

It can be so hard longing for something you want so much.  We have been in this adoption process for over five years, and I had it in my heart long before that. We were matched with a little girl in July.

Song Zihan, born November 20th, 2009 was available for adoption. She was on the special needs list because she was in the less than 2% for height and weight. (In fact, I hear the nannies call her "Thumb" because she is so small. I prefer Thumbelina...more girlie...) Finally...here she was...

We made the decision a long while back that I would stay here with the other kids and Scott and Beau would go. I could go into all of the reasons and dynamics that caused me to make that hard choice, but I don't have the energy. It was well thought out, and not easily made, with only Havensong in mind. It was not a slip on my part that I didn't go, as if it just didn't cross my mind. It was a decision I thought about nonstop. The night before they left, it was very difficult for me. I felt frantic that I had, in fact, made the wrong choice. It suddenly crushed me that I wasn't going. I would rather not even be typing this now, except for the fact that I have received so many comments, messages, emails and posts from people either questioning me, or telling me of my certain future regrets, that I felt it would be best to share my thoughts all at once.  I just needed some time alone while I processed these unexpected feelings. So...I crawled into my bed and I cried for two days. I  wasn't being dramatic, or wanting sympathy, I just needed to grieve what I knew I was missing, and fight the feelings of guilt for not being there for her right away. Also, there was a deep longing inside of me to see her homeland. To write it all down so I could share it with her.

I was just plain old sad and was being a cry baby... but as C.S. Lewis said;

"Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do."

I decided to stop crying, and get ready for my daughter to come home. And besides, China isn't going anywhere. On top of that, I am not a selfish mother, because I handed an amazing journey over to my son, and I hope he never forgets it. Autumn looked at me last night and said,

"Mom, you know how you are so sad and don't want to get out of bed because you want to be in China?"

I nodded. She said,

"Well that's how I would be feeling if you were that far away from me."

That did wonders for me to see her little face and hear her say that. I got up, washed my tears away and took her to the mall.

Havensong just spent her last night in the orphanage. I am sure as I type this they are gathering her things together, and getting her ready to go the the Civil Affairs office. I am praying for two things right now.

1) That she doesn't feel afraid. She has suffered such loss already...the loss of her birth parents, the loss of her nannies, and the loss of her homeland. I'm not being negative, I just refuse minimize what she's had taken from her in her short one year of life.

2) I pray Beau doesn't forget to hit "record" on the camera.

So while I'm not there buying her squeaky shoes, pearls and Jade, nor am I seeing China with her in a little front pack, I am here getting ready for her here, with her siblings.

I will be seeing her face via Skype in four hours. I can't quite believe it. I am crawling out of my skin due to the anticipation. And on January 1st, she will land in Bellingham, and I will go get her and be her Mommy for always.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you all for your shared excitement and prayers and support. It means so much..