Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Dear Birth Mama...

I am in bed now and almost asleep, but you are so heavy on my mind that I cannot quite get there. I wanted to tell you that the little girl you carried and then placed under the street light is in her bed asleep. Warm and cozy. I don't know if you cry tears for her, or daily wonder how she is, but I know she has to come to mind. More than that, I know when Havensong is asleep, she must, at times, dream of your voice. It will be there forever, even in the farthest reaches of her memory. And if you are mourning her, I would like to tell you that I am sorry. I wish I could comfort you....
 What I can do, is love her madly. I promise I will.

Oh to even have even a few moments with you. I would tell you how amazing she is, and how thankful I am. I'd love to see if she has your nose, or your laugh. I want to know where she got her wild sense of humor, and those silly faces she makes. And where did her love of music come from? Her Grandma? Her Father? And that SMILE! It melts anyone in it's path.

 I didn't count on this bothering me so much, you know. People often tell me it's a good thing that you will never be a part of her life, but I feel the opposite. I so badly want to know you. It's too much sometimes not knowing her story. At times it almost tortures me, trying to imagine all of the missing pieces. Wondering if I can somehow create a true picture for her. I often have to force myself think of other things and just be grateful she is here. I have to stop trying so solve the mystery. I have to remove the images of you that flash before me....

You pregnant...
You delivering her....
Your eyes looking down at her....
Your face the last time you would ever see her.....

It's like a movie that plays in my mind. I didn't anticipate this or prepare for it.  But you really are important to me! And I will pray for you each and every day. Havensong and I will together pray for you. I know you won't read these words but somehow I hope they will find you, and  you will know deep down she found her way home and you feel at peace.

I know I don't understand your culture and values. I have no idea how the dynamics of families work in China. I can't comprehend the pressure you feel. Not first hand anyway. I know it is very complex...I am told most mothers walk away with not a glance back. But I know this; a mother's heart is universal and goes beyond tradition and rules. I know there is a moment when those mothers want to grab back their child and run. It may be a feeling that lasts a lifetime, or it may be just a split second before she lets go, but I know it's there. Nobody can tell me different. And this is my little way of acknowledging what you had to go through.

I am going to try to sleep now, because this "night owl mommy" has been given an "early bird baby," so I had better get some rest. Havensong will want to conquer the world all over again tomorrow.
She is that way..so full of curiosity and spunk.
 Maybe she got that from you.....

With much thanks and even more love,


  1. Michelle,
    You are the most inspiring and amazing woman I know! I love that you are so compassionate, so loving, so kind and generous! Havensong is so very blessed to have you as her Mommy. The Lord has a plan for her and you are blessed to be right in the middle of it!
    Love and miss you!

  2. I can so fully understand your feelings Michelle. I am continually grateful that there are not these open spaces in my childrens' lives, even when relationships are hard to navigate. I love their birth mothers beyond what I could have imagined - for giving me and them the gift of life.

    Each child, no matter how they come to us, is a blessing. But I am still amazed at how purposely and specifically God has woven together the stories of my adopted children. It's pretty cool.

  3. Michelle,
    That is so beautiful! You are such an awesome mom, and I truly look up to you :) You are amazing...I love you! Give that Havensong a big kiss for me and Ryland!

  4. Michelle, This is beautiful! Brings tears to my eyes. I'm so happy God brought Havensong to you. ~ Tricia